Crazy Old Vermont Jokes and Witty Remarks

When it comes to Vermont wit and sarcasm, the old-time Vermonters had it down to a science. My uncle used to be a master of it and every now and then, you’ll encounter an old timer with that dry sense of humor and a twinkle in his eye.

Here are some traditional and even currently know Vermont jokes and witty remarks. Beware that some are a bit edgy and might border on bad taste.

My Aunt was once complaining about having to visit her friend and having to “listen to her spoiled rotten kids…”
My Uncle’s sarcastic response, “I’ve got some rat poison in the cellar that you’re welcome to bring with ya!”.

A lost flatlander (F) driver pulls up at a farmhouse with an old Vermonter (V) on the porch:

F: “Hey, buddy! Does this road go to Montpelier?”
V: “Nope. Stays right here.”
F: “No, I mean can I take this road to Montpelier?”
V: “Don’t think you can get it in your car.”
F: “Well, if I drive down this road, will I get to Montpelier?”
V: “Don’t know how good a driver you are.”
F: “You don’t know anything, do you?”
V: “I know I ain’t lost.”
F: “There’s not much between you and an idiot, is there?”
V: “Just this yard and that fence.”

Epitaph on a gravestone in Stowe, Vermont: “I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours.”

How many Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change it and two to talk about how much better the old one was.

How many Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?
101; One to change it, and 100 to hold a rally on Church Street complaining about light pollution.

One carpenter says to another, “You still workin’ at that house for those two women up the road?” The other carpenter replies, “Yep, but no studs at all in that house. It’s all tongue and groove!”

Guy walks into a general store in Vermont and sees bags of salt on all the counters. More bags on the shelves. Bags stacked on the floor. He looks at the owner and says, “Wow, you must sell a lot of salt!” The owner says, “Nope, can’t say as I do… Had a guy in last week, though: Now there was a man who could sell salt!”

“Excuse me sir, Have you lived here all your life?”
Vermonter: “Not Yet!”

A flatlander wants to take a shortcut across a field, but is worried by the bull he sees grazing in the middle of it. So he asks the nearby farmer, “Say, is that bull safe?” The Vermonter says, “Sure, he’s safe”. So the flatlander jumps the fence and starts across the pasture. The Vermonter continues, “Can’t say the same ’bout you, though.”

In Vermont, the seasons are: “Almost winter,” “winter,” “still winter,” and “road construction.”

For some reason, certain towns like Milton tend to get the most ribbing:

It’s pronounced Mil’n not Mil-TON!!!

Q: How are tornadoes and divorces similar in Milton?
A: Either way, somebody loses a trailer.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Milton? Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Q: How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Milton?
A: because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

…but other towns are on the hit list too…

Q: What’s the best thing to come out of Rutland?
A: Route 7

Q: Why are there no two story buildings in Hardwick?
A: They haven’t figured out how to stack trailers

“The nice thing about Burlington is it is so close to VT!”

In the Northeast Kingdom, there are 9 months of winter and three months of damn poor sleddin.’

You know you’re from northern Vermont when:

You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
You find -20F a little chilly.

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